ROBINSON DIAGNOSED WITH PLAQUE SEPARATION ANXIETY
LOS ANGELES (SUFFL) -- Sweep the Leg Johnnie co-owner Justin
Robinson was diagnosed Wednesday with Plaque Separation Anxiety, a
spokesperson at the Los Angeles Center for Fantasy Sports Mental
"The diagnosis was primarily based on Mr. Robinson's unwillingness to
surrender the SUFFL Plaque, accompanied by passive-agressive
behavior, and a compulsive propensity to relate to it as if it were a
living being," the spokesperson read from a prepared statement.
The annoucement came after weeks of restlessness in the front office
of 2000-2001 champ Daniel Snyder's Belt Buckle. "Look, it's been
almost two months. I can understand that saying goodbye to the
hardware is hard, but that's hardly an excuse," lamented Rumbaugh,
trying to use the word "hard" in as many ways as possible, perhaps to
imply what he thinks of Robinson's heart.
"I would take the complaint to the commissioner, but I *am* the
commissioner! What else can I do?"
The disorder was discovered by Dr. Hans Z. Haupt (no relation) in
East Germany in 1984. Dr. Haupt's study documented 71 cases of PSA
in which East German fantasy olympics enthusiasts refused to give up
the fantasy olympics titles they had won in 1980 four years later
when East Germany joined the Soviet boycott of the Games in Los
Angeles. "Eet zeemed zere vaz ann attach-ment, but I vasn't zure how
ztrong ze attach-ment vaz. Avter cone-cludeeng eet vaz ztrong-er zan
ze dezire to de-fect to Vest Germa-nee, I cone-cluded zat it vaz ind-
eed a dizorder."
American doctors quickly joined Haupt in his study, producing no
fewer than 1.2 million victims of PSA between 1987 and 1992. In the
ensuing 5 years, the figure doubled. The number doubled again
between 1998-2000, an increase attributed to the rise of the internet.
Harry Mann (no relation) (to York), professor of anthropology at
Pepperdine University, set the disorder in a historical context. "We
see some evidence of a similar (if not identical) disorder in the
historical record, at the height of the Roman Colosseum's
popularity. It seems a band of Romans competed with a Sicilian gang
by drafting gladiators, animals, and Christians in a quest for
the 'plaque' -- in their case a broken helmet from a Roman soldier
with their names scrawled on it with rocks -- which they would wear to
toga parties and use to pick up chicks. After the Romans won 8 years
in a row, the Sicilians finally put two and two together and stopped
trading their lions for gladiators in 4-for-1 deals, and they
dethroned the Romans. But the attachment to the plaque was not
easily broken. The Sicilians had to spread rumors about seeing their
opponents in Roman bath-houses in order to retrieve the prize," Mann
Robinson teamed with co-owner Kevin Kriesel to secure the 1999-2000
championship through shrewd dealings, patience, and a bit of luck.
They received the plaque from the previous champions, Vampatella &
Patel, without incident.
"I had it for a while, then Maria started saying it didn't fit in
with our decor, so I sent it off to JR," Kriesel recalled. "He
called me when he got it, breathing 'thank you, thank you - oh! -
thank you!' into the phone over and over. I had to hang up on him.
The whole thing was a little awkward."
As the 2000 season got underway, attention shifted away from the long-
term goal of the plaque to the more immediate concerns of weekly
lineups, double-checking the crooked league scorer, and exploring
But as the Buckle closed in on its first championship, all eyes
turned to Robinson. Naptime co-owner Andy McHargue confirmed that
Robinson did indeed engrave the plaque with Rumbaugh's name. "It
looked great: the new engraving was in the same style as the older
names, and I was happy to see J's excellent stewardship of the
integrity of the award."
Shipment of the award to its new entitlee, however, did not follow
the engraving. "It was weird," McHargue said. "He said he was
taking care of it, then I get this email from him about how since
it's raining a lot he doesn't have time (?), then I see this spread
in the local paper with him holding a liter of vodka, and chicks
hanging all over him, pawing at the plaque. I was concerned his
ministry might be affected, but he just smirked and said, 'This *IS*
my ministry, baby cakes!' But it never ocurred to me to get help for
him. I mean, losing a title like that is rough. I'm glad there was
no plaque when I won."
After Rumbaugh submitted a formal complaint to himself, he contacted
the Los Angeles Center for Fantasy Sports Mental Illnesses. Center
Director Barry Sanders (and you were wondering why he really
retired...) assigned Dr. Jack Kevorkian Jr. to Robinson's case. "My
dad said to just the pull the plug on him, but I thought we could do
a bit more for him. His was a classic case of PSA; there was no
doubt about the diagnosis. What happens is the patient comes to
consider the plaque part of himself, or part of his own family, if
you will. Would you send your right arm to someone? No, I didn't
think so. I mean, that would be a different disorder altogether.
"But I was still optimistic about treatment. Often times if the
patient can fail miserably in a fantasy sports venture, he will snap
out of it, even to the point of refusing to be in the same room as
The fantasy sport Kevorkian has recommended is Fantasy NASCAR,
in response to Robinson's contention that auto racing is not a
sport. "His failure in NASCAR should be complete, and he should get
the plaque off to Fairfax rather quickly, although it may be in
anger," Kevorkian asserted. "But anger isn't necessarily bad, I mean
there's that IN YOUR ANGER DO NOT SIN thing, eh? It's not a perfect
solution, but that's the deal: it's either anger and plaque, or no
anger and no plaque -- what do you want? Circle on the right or
circle on the left?"
Despite rumors that Robinson has hired fantasy sports cosultant
extraordinnaire Don Buerkle to provide NASCAR reconnaissance,
Rumbaugh believes he will still fail. "Don knows normal sports, but
he's no redneck -- the guy went to UPenn for crying out loud. He'll
be happy to take JR's money, but how many Ivy Leaguers know anything
about NASCAR? Gordon, Gordon, Gordon is all he knows. You can't win
like that. Seems a little cruel, but I need that plaque."
Rumbaugh was unwilling to comment on a report that he had an
appointment next month with Kevorkian to investigate PSA-like
tendencies within himself. "Look, I've got a baseball draft to prep