Coming Soon:

ST. LOUIS (AP) -- A spokeman at SUFFL headquarters in St. Louis (determined by averaging the approximate latitude and longitude of the residence of every SUFFL member) announced Friday the pending premiere of, scheduled for early next week: "It's a done deal."

"Due to the competitive and professional nature of the league's participants, we could no longer persist without a proper home on the World Wide Web," proclaimed Dr. Commissioner Matthew B. Rumbaugh in a written statement.

The cost to the league totals $198.48, including the non-negotiable $70 domain name fee (good for two years) and one year of web hosting for $128.48. The web hosting service, based in Utah, is likely run by a Mormon, which caused a murmur among the league's evangelical supporters. "I mean, they're nice and all, but do we really want to help put golden statues of Joseph Smith or Brigham Young or whoever atop evil-looking tabernacles?" asked Kristy Steger, future First Lady of the SUFFL.

Assuming participation of the league's 15 supposed members, the cost works out to $13.24 per person. "We moved ahead on this prior to unanimous consent, and we're sensitive the budgets of our members, so we're not putting the expectation on every member to pay up. But it would be nice to pull SUFFL's net worth back up to zero," said Treasurer-elect A. L. McHargue. "To date, $13.24 has been received, making our books show -$135.24. If we don't raise the required money, I would fear investigation by the FBI, the CIA, and the IRS. You know how they are."

The prospect of SUFFL merchandise may serve to defray the cost. "It's all about Ghana," remarked Rumbaugh in his state-of-the-SUFFL address that was somewhat overshadowed by San Jose State's state-of-the-athlectic-department address, the same day Clinton spoke on something or other. "Ghana is the key -- if we can get the Ghana people interested in SUFFL, the potential for merchandise sales is almost limitless. It's no secret how fascinated Ghana is with the participation of American college buddies in fantasy sports." Rumbaugh was interrupted by applause 742 times in 4 minutes, a record for any SUFFL commissioner.

Ideas for new web site features include but are not limited to the ability to sort SUFFL stats, make roster moves, post transactions, propose trades, and conduct pre-season mock drafts. Also in the works is a journalism section, to include columns and coverage by SUFFL members.

-AM, 2/1/00